either way you will come back to me

the time will come 

you will look back

and smile

thank God I have made it through these difficult times

you will definitely come back to me

dengan menyebut nama Allah yang pengasih lagi maha penyayang 

aku bersumpah kau tidak akan pernah bisa melupakan aku seumur hidup 

kau akan tersiksa merindukanku 

pikiranmu hanya ada aku dan kenangan kita 

hilang nafsumu pada yang lain dan mati rasamu pada siapapun wanita yang kamu lihat 

kau akan merasa sangat kehilanganku karena aku yang terbaik 

turunkan gengsimu agar kau ungkapkan kerinduanmu kepadaku 

wajahku menghantui pikiranmu setiap kau menghembuskan nafas

our first date on Bee Hive

at our first match at bumble on April 16 2022

i chatted you for the first time 

"nice to meet you"

and the chat lasted from April to August yesterday.

in that chat we are not intense. sometimes i take a long time to reply to your messages. sometimes you take too long to reply. 

i think it's normal and like "okay it's also a dating app, don't worry too much about it."

but from May 15 to July 22, i still remember never replying to your messages at all haha. 

i was doing basic training in Surabaya at that time. so it's not possible to reply and i'm too lazy to get to know new people.
 

finally July 22 i replied again because, i haven't replied since May.

you introduce yourself, you are from Klaten

you works at a bank

your bio says 'Team Leader Product Development at Financial Institution' 

but i didn't know that was a high position in your company 

July finished our conversation

i just replied to you on August 16, our chat was really long at that time. August 22 you just replied.

finally after a long time you said you wanted to take me to see a movie even if i couldn't, you would take me home to Banyuwangi

i said yes to your invitation to watch on August 29. because i feel, "yes i just try." 

although we should have moved to instagram or whatsapp first before we met.

after all, i think, "this is our first meeting, so if you and i don't meet again, that's okay."

you invited me weekday after office, but i always wanted to go on Friday only, but you asked again. Wednesday or Thursday can or not? because we have an appointment on Friday.

"if tomorrow wednesday or thursday, can't you?" you said.

"yes i can, why can't you on Friday?"

"on Friday, it turned out that there was a guest from the head office, afraid it would be over late."

"oh i see, okay let me know whether it will be or not tomorrow."

"yes, where will i pick you up later? at half past 7 is it okay?"

"just pick me up in front of the hospital, i'll let me know when you on the way ya." 

and you finally set out to find me, from so far away to meet me here. i'm between happy and "huh, isn't it really?"

"i was about to arrive. i was just about to cross a red light."

"okay, which side are you wearing? pap."

you sent a photo of your half shoulder wearing a navy color shirt.

"i'm embarrassed to take selfies. i'm next to the emergency room and wear a black shirt"

i'm sitting in the office, directly meet you in front. at first, i was surprised by your figure, didn't want to have high expectations but you really came.

i remember when you first looked at me, you were shocked.

"hi, i'm **win." we shake hand

"hi, i'm Lia."

"you're really tall."

i see we're almost the same height when I wear wedges.

"oh, this is because i wear wedges. which side shall we go to?" i asked for your vehicle.

you pointed to the latest avanza car with plate B, silver one. 

ok, this is the first time i've been picked up on a date by car, because i usually only use motorbikes.

when you got to the car, you said you were nervous and laughed because you were surprised to see how beautiful i was that night. you praise me.

when we both took off our masks, we smiled at each other and i said,

"is it the same as the photos? haha."

"yes, according to my expectations." you said blushing.

then you drive your car and all the way to the cinema, you tell a lot of things about you.

even i convinced once again.

"hmm...you're not someone's boyfriend, are you? you're not married and even have children, right?"

you say ya Allah ya Allah and laugh, "if i have a girlfriend or get married why am i playing bumble?"

okay i'm a little calm, at least i do avoid meet up with other people's partners or other people's husbands.

along the way, you tell stories that you have hepatitis B, you tell stories you want to be an army, you tell the history of Soebandi hospital, tell everyone on the road and several times say , 

"sorry, i'm just telling stories."

"it's okay, i'm glad to hear that." i said

you continued your story and your story was really fun. as long as you told me, i looked at you several times and muttered to myself. "is he the one? i hope he is, ya Allah. aamiin". hopefully, even though i didn't want to hope haha.

after a long time i didn't go on a movie date with a stranger, finally i'm on a movie date again. 

i hope it's not as weird as my first tinder date. because, i had a bad impression when i went on a tinder date and watched a movie together haha. suck.

that night we will watch Sayap-Sayap Patah. you finally choose to watch it at XXI Transmart. we choose the seat first in the m-tix application in the car. then walk again and i accompany you who have not had dinner.

i just ordered a green tea drink.

after eating, i just found out you smoked. 

even though in your bumble bio it says "never smoking" "never drink"

but i understand.

"oh yeah, what's your whatsapp number?"

i see there are 2 cellphones that you have. i said my number.

i didn't suspect anything at all, because i didn't want to have high expectation for all of this.

after eating, we go to the cinema, the thing i learned from you is that you love to talk and be listened to.

we print the ticket and go inside. 

in the cinema, i held my aching hand, i forgot the story that when i closed the car. i pinched my thumb and it hurt so bad. until it feels like i can't feel my own thumb. i massaged my thumbs. you next to me feel guilty 

i think, i know your modus of holding my hand. i read it from your gestures and the way you stare. i finally let our hands hold each other while watching the cinema. this is my first bumble date, but i'm willing to hold hands with strangers and i feel okay with it all. i feel comfortable around him even though this is our first meeting. 

he also felt the same. 

i asked, "uh, it's okay, we're like this, aren't we?"

"it's okay. are you okay?"

"yes, i am. when was the last time you were like this?"

"hmm, last year. how about you?"

"around 2019."

yes, even though the last time i really held hands with someone, was with my ex who was in 2013. 

after that it was just a handshake, high fives and even holding hands with tinder's first date in 2016 because he were forced. 

i did in 2022, but it's an orientation time game. haha NOOB.

finally we enjoy the film by holding hands. playing hand gestures, holding hands, rubbing between fingers, gripping tightly, playing on the back of your hands, holding your arms. 

btw, our hands are almost the same size, because usually a man's hand grip is bigger. but i feel our hands are the same.

we both seem to really enjoy the movie and the way we hold hands. i know this is wrong, but i haven't felt this in a long time. been a long time and i was happy that night. i'm sure you too.

sometimes we tell stories in the middle of the film, whispering to each other. admiring Ariel Tatum and Nicholas Saputra in the scenes. i know you enjoyed mas Win~

we came home at midnight, i was very happy that night. 

i don't want to stop holding your hand. but after the movie and we walk to the car, i don't dare hold your hand anymore. 

but on the way to the car, you tried to put your arm around my waist but i interrupted because i was shy, so i gently held your arm.

in the car you tell a lot of things too, but we never go in the direction of a relationship because I think, this is the first time. it turns out that you really want to see me again, you even said.

"well, i'm about to come. how about we sleepcall? eh..."

"it's just my first bumble date, this is my first date. i'm still excited"

even, "do we continue like this every day so we don't feel lonely?"

"we'll meet again this weekend. i'll texting you soon."

after that we shook hands and said goodbye to each other.

that night, i really brought feelings to you.

you really made me feel comfortable and fell in love after a long time.

i didn't feel this long time, feel special and number one.

after you came home you chatted again via whatsapp and thanked me for tonight, you bothered me until i was salting that night and couldn't sleep.

mas Win, that's our first bumble date. i will tell you again in the second and third meeting before you finally become a coward to this day.

Saling Mendukung Sesama Perempuan

aku tidak peduli soal fisik

karena aku melihat value seseorang bukan dari fisi

bahkan fisik itu aku tutup 

ketika memutuskan untuk berhijab saat itu

aku juga gak merasa diri aku cantik

aku hanya fokus menjadi wanita mandiri 

satu hal yang membuat aku bangga bukan dipuji canti

tapi ketika aku bisa berdiri sendiri

tanpa meminta bantuan dari yang lain

bahan aku yang ingin memberi mereka yang terbaik dan make them proud

semoga yang aku tulis bisa menjadi motivasi dengan diambil yang baiknya 

dan aku selalu insecure dengan perempuan yang prestasi atau pekerja keras

itu yang memotivasi aku

aku juga sangat mengagumi perempuan yang shalihah

muslimah yang bener-bener mengejar ridho Allah

mari kita saling mendukung sesama perempuan 

dengan tidak saling menjatuhkan 

yang aku lakukan kadang pun tida 100% benar

aku bakalan sangat belajar banget untuk dapat mengontrol perasaan dan sosial media aku

Should You

it is the two parents who cry so that their children can laugh

they go through sorrow so that their children can be happy

and they endure hardship so that their children can have ease

it is the parents who go through hunger so their children can be fed and go through thirst so their children can be quenched

they are like a candle that burns and melts away so that their children can find light

treating parents well is a trust that children bear the duty of and no one should try to let it grow old

on the contrary with the passing of days and years, people should let it be increased in beauty, consistency and renewal

Hidup Bahagia

cara Allah berlaku adil adalah bukan tiap orang diberi harta dan kekayaan yang sama

tapi orang kaya dan miskin sama-sama bisa bahagia

jadi jangan pernah bercita-cita jadi kaya tapi tidak di tambah bahagia

karena kaya itu bonus

bercita-cita lah hidup bahagia

karena orang kaya belum tentu bahagia

tapi orang yang bahagia pasti merasa kaya

Simpan Untuk Dirimu Sendiri

banyak yang mau tahu masalahmu tapi tidak benar-benar peduli

malah bisa jadi setelah ia tahu, lantas tertawa di balik kata "sabar ya, yang ikhlas. i'm here for you if you ever need me"

makanya penting menurutku buat masing-masing dari kalian betul-betul punya sosok sahabat yang baik

gak perlu sosial media tahu semua ceritamu

gak perlu semua jadi konten, senang, sedih 

simpah dalam circl kecilmu saja

karena belum tentu orang mampu menempatkan diri mereka dalam posisimu, ngerti perasaanmu~

Semua adalah Seleksi Alam

pada akhirnya, seleksi alam perihal jodoh itu benar adanya

yang memang bukan jodoh pasti akan tersingkir dengan sendirinya, walaupun menyakitkan

dan yang berjodoh, akan tetap didekatkan dan dipersatuan dengan cara apapun meskipun banyak air mata

perdebatan, masalah dan proses pendewasaan diri 

yang akan dilalui sebagai bentuk pengenalan diri satu sama lain sebelum menuju pernikahan

karena menikah bukan perkara mudah

ada 2 karakter yang akan dipersatukan dalam ikatan suci pernikahan

jodoh itu bukan cerminan diri

tetapi saling melengkapi kekurangan dan kelebihan pasangan 

karena nggak akan ada orang yang 100% cocok

melainkan 2 orang yang sama-sama saling melengkapi, memahami dan bersyukur memiliki pasangannya

Noted This

for some people who never experience a trauma

it must be hard to understand how hard it is go on with life 

when the very person who causes the trauma walk around freely

even being praised by the entire world

to some extent, the victim could also question if their experience and feelings are valid

because it feels like they are the only one who can't see the good in perpetrator

while everyone ese is literally head over heals with him

it make them feel confused and alone and miserable

so there is no such thing as standing with the victim

and at the same time caring about the futur of the perpetrator's career

NO, who are you fooling? yourself?

Ikhlas Terbaik

ikhlas terbaik adalah...

tetap mendoakan dan tidak membalas orang yang menyakiti atau berbuat kurang baik ke kita

tidak mengungkit kebaikan atau pengorbanan tulus yang sudah kita kasih untuk orang lain

menerima semua ketentuan Allah dengan rasa syukur